Killing with Niceness

Let’s say you have a friend that is showing off an outfit they picked for the day. While they do a turn, you notice a stain at the back of their shirt, large enough to be noticeable. They look so excited to be wearing it as they wait for a response. If you were to say that they looked great, it would avoid any conflict and wouldn’t make you the bearer of any bad news. This could be considered a “nice” response. However, if you take the time to explain the stain, creating a moment of temporary discomfort, this may appear to be a “kind” response.
 

The main differences between the two responses lie in their truthfulness and who benefits. Being nice often prioritizes peace and keeps you from looking like a bad guy. It can be seen as performative, as you are acting in a way that is not genuine to seem like a better person. This may be used to maintain a positive self-image or escape an awkward situation through white lies or silence. On the other hand, kindness is more genuine and truthful. While the speaker creates a brief moment of awkwardness or tension, it is based on the benefit it gives the other person, rather than themselves. 

I myself have experienced both a kind and nice response regarding the same situation: a haircut. I once asked three of my friends whether or not an impulsive midnight bang trim looked good. Two of my friends responded that it looked amazing and one of my friends responded that it looked a little thin and I should cut more strands. While the positive responses made me feel good in the moment and avoided any conflict, I was much more thankful for the “kind” suggestion in the long term. The recommendation led me to cut more bangs, which, in my opinion, looked way better than the four thin strands. The kind response in the moment toward my request for help may have seemed more negative, but it ended up helping me way more than the nice responses.

However, being nice is not inherently bad. Many of our social manners today, such as complimenting a stranger or avoiding awkward topics at the dinner table, often benefit the speaker more and can be thought of as nice actions. These are all situations where civil harmony is prioritized. Yet, silence and self-preservation may become dangerous in situations that require emotional depth and when honesty is required. 

Here, especially in social media, niceness has become ingrained in our societal interactions. One example is TikTok sponsors who are performatively nice for personal gain. From exercise equipment to skincare brands, the creators may seem like they personally care about and are looking after their audience, even sometimes using endearing terms like “friend” to connect and feign familiarity with the viewer. In reality, however, their appearance of kindness is a mere tool for persuasion and their own benefit. The product may not work as promised, or the creator may have been using filters to fake real effects: these actions betray the audience’s personal trust and fake genuine care to seem kind and compassionate towards the audience. Even in real life, this kindness can be seen when at a clothing store, an employee says you look good as you try something on. Ultimately they, as their job, are performing for their own benefit and interests. 

Vent culture is another instance where niceness can be damaging. If you’ve seen any “Am I the A-hole?” often called AITA, commentary videos where people share stories of emotional outbursts and difficult conflicts, you may have noticed that commenters sometimes agree with the narrator even when their actions seem unjust. These “nice” responses can harm the narrator seeking advice by promoting negative actions and sabotaging their situations in order to look supportive and in agreement. True kindness, which these situations would require, would instead state potential uncomfortable truths, allowing for improvement and real benefits for the speaker.

There are times for both kindness and niceness: niceness allows for navigating daily life, while kindness is necessary for more emotional conditions where honesty is required. The problem arises when a default response to a question that requires transparency becomes nice to avoid conflict or make oneself look good. Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do is be a little less nice.